A few days ago I typed out the following on my phone during a free few minutes:
It is Oliver's birthday soon, and I don't know how to feel. Most days I shock myself with how content I am, how much I am looking forward the the future, and how much I am enjoying the activities that are right in front of me - volleyball and softball games, teaching Middle School Composition and Missionary Biographies at co-op, Bible studies in person and online, walking our dog with my husband and gathering a few pretty leaves along the way, discussions about Biology and American History, etc.The date still stares at me on the calendar though. I want to mark it, to celebrate and remember somehow, but I don't know how. This year the date quickly filled in on its own, and I decided to press on with what the Lord has given me on this day. It doesn't feel exactly right. I want the whole world to stop and mourn with me, but I also want to be left alone. Eventually we make a plan to remember on a different day, but our plan feels like we are recreating a way we remembered Oliver on an earlier birthday since his passing, not like remembering him specifically. Has he been gone that long? Is this what grief becomes?I saw a picture of a friend's son on Facebook today. He was only a year older than Oliver. We only knew him for a short season, but this friend's son was almost unrecognizable in his current pictures. Seeing this caused me to ask lots of questions. What would Oliver look like at 17? How tall would he be? What would he be interested in? How would the three of us who remain be different if he had lived? Where would we be living right now? What would we be looking forward to in the future?
I felt better after typing all of that out. It is so helpful to get the words out of my head. Although I haven't been posting regularly lately, just knowing that I can write and publish here helps me to keep writing and processing my grief. And like always, God is faithful to minister to me when I pour out my words to Him as well. Over the days after I typed that message, He spoke to me through His Word, Bible Study, nature, my family, etc. I was reminded that I am not alone in my grief, good days are ahead, God's purposes will not be thwarted, God will not fail His people, to everything there is a season, and God's steadfast love endures forever.
Today is Oliver's birthday. I am going to feel lots of different feelings today. And I am going to be OK.
Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.
