Thoughts on Suffering and Eternity

A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of the summer. While I believe that God will use this situation to grow faith and character, bring glory to Himself, and build His Kingdom, my heart aches for my friend and her family. This side of Heaven the cost seems too high. Deep in my heart I know the beauty of sharing in Christ's suffering, but I want there to be another way. I've devoted an entire blog to lessons I have learned in my own grief and suffering, but I want to protect my friend from suffering because IT HURTS SO BAD.

Instead of typing more paragraphs and listing Bible verses about how God can redeem any situation, I know I need to lament for all the brokenness in this world. Because while it is true that God will work this situation together for good, it is also true that we were made for Perfection, Paradise, Heaven, and Eternity. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

And yet, as I lament, I am reminded of a quote from Ann Voskamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts" (see a blog post about the book here: https://carryingsheaves.blogspot.com/2024/01/one-thousand-gifts.html).

"All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness. 

That fullest life itself dawns from nothing but Calvary 

darkness and tomb-cave black into the radiance of 

Easter morning. 

Out of the darkness of the cross, the world transfigures 

into new life. And there is no other way" 

(Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 96, emphasis in original).

I wrestle with this longing for perfect eternity and the need to lean into the goodness that God can bring from suffering. Paul didn't seem to see this as a contradiction, as he also writes about both in Romans chapter 8:

Romans 8:22-23

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Somehow Jesus holds it all together and calls us to be groaning conquerors. I am not sure exactly how that works, but I know that we can trust Him. Please join me in praying for my friend!

The last of the flowers, slightly harmed by frost
but still beautiful!

Another Birthday

A few days ago I typed out the following on my phone during a free few minutes:

It is Oliver's birthday soon, and I don't know how to feel. Most days I shock myself with how content I am, how much I am looking forward the the future, and how much I am enjoying the activities that are right in front of me - volleyball and softball games, teaching Middle School Composition and Missionary Biographies at co-op, Bible studies in person and online, walking our dog with my husband and gathering a few pretty leaves along the way, discussions about Biology and American History, etc. 

The date still stares at me on the calendar though. I want to mark it, to celebrate and remember somehow, but I don't know how. This year the date quickly filled in on its own, and I decided to press on with what the Lord has given me on this day. It doesn't feel exactly right. I want the whole world to stop and mourn with me, but I also want to be left alone. Eventually we make a plan to remember on a different day, but our plan feels like we are recreating a way we remembered Oliver on an earlier birthday since his passing, not like remembering him specifically. Has he been gone that long? Is this what grief becomes?

I saw a picture of a friend's son on Facebook today. He was only a year older than Oliver. We only knew him for a short season, but this friend's son was almost unrecognizable in his current pictures. Seeing this caused me to ask lots of questions. What would Oliver look like at 17? How tall would he be? What would he be interested in? How would the three of us who remain be different if he had lived? Where would we be living right now? What would we be looking forward to in the future? 

I felt better after typing all of that out. It is so helpful to get the words out of my head. Although I haven't been posting regularly lately, just knowing that I can write and publish here helps me to keep writing and processing my grief. And like always, God is faithful to minister to me when I pour out my words to Him as well. Over the days after I typed that message, He spoke to me through His Word, Bible Study, nature, my family, etc. I was reminded that I am not alone in my grief, good days are ahead, God's purposes will not be thwarted, God will not fail His people, to everything there is a season, and God's steadfast love endures forever. 

Today is Oliver's birthday. I am going to feel lots of different feelings today. And I am going to be OK. 

Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.