When I asked my husband what he wanted to do to remember Oliver on July 1st, the anniversary of his death, he said he wanted to cut, split, and stack some firewood for future winters at our property. My daughter and I rolled our eyes at him. While it's hard to find the right balance of celebrate/mourn/remember/forget on anniversaries like today's, we were hoping for something a little more fun (and a little different from what we have already been doing the past ten days or so). However, we also know Oliver was always game to help his dad, so we will definitely be doing some firewood today. Oliver loved to work on my parents' farm and my in-laws' farm, and I am sure he would have loved to work on our property too. In fact, his love of hard work with his dad inspired the Psalm we had read at his funeral:
Psalm 100 NKJV
Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands!
Serve the Lord with gladness:
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the Lord, He is God;
It is He who made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.
My daughter and I are also hoping to make a strawberry dessert, as the strawberries are ripe where we are right now and taste like heaven. I'll also spend some time with the plants we have growing around here, remembering Jesus' words in John 12:24, "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." And also Peter's admonition in 1 Peter 1:23-25, "For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, 'All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.'"
June has been a month of deep contentment and joy for me. I watched my daughter wrap up a fun and successful softball season with a great group of girls and an awesome coach. Some family came to visit us for a super fun weekend. My daughter and I took care of my brother's three young kids for a few days while he and my sister-in-law went on a trip. We spent a day with my parents, hiking at a state park and helping them on their farm. And then we traveled to our house in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where we have been cutting and splitting firewood for upcoming winters, preparing a garden plot for future use, and just enjoying being together in one of our favorite places.
June has also been a time of longing for a more perfect world. I encountered conflicting priorities that had painful trade-offs, which I couldn't resolve. I faced intense nostalgia for the days when my kids were little as I cared for my brother's kids. I wondered again and again what the activities I was enjoying would be like if Oliver was still with us. I received sad news from a family member. I yearned for peace as I read the local, state, national, and international news. I faced random times of grief as we approached the anniversary of my son's death.
It can be hard to know what to do with all the joy and contentment mixed with all the sadness and longing. As I bring my feelings to God, I am reminded to give thanks:
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
Thanks for reading!
