The Story

As I started preparing my next couple of posts, I realized I haven't told "The Story", the one about how Oliver died. In some ways the details don't seem that important and writing out the specifics seems unnecessary. However, the specific story makes other things I want to talk about make sense and is a testimony of God's sovereignty and faithfulness. I think I am eventually going to hit publish on what I wrote below.

Writing out the story of how Oliver died ended up being harder than I thought it would be. I avoided writing for the first time since starting this blog. I also felt down and sad after writing. I hold these memories dear, but I don't necessarily examine them closely with much frequency. One of the reasons I have resisted sharing in the past is I wanted to wait until sharing didn't hurt anymore. I've realized that isn't going to happen and am dedicated to sharing anyway, but I was still a little surprised at how much typing these words out hurt. I am praying for this post as I do for the rest of the blog, that God would use my sharing to heal me, encourage others, and bring Him glory.

In the summer of 2019 we had just moved to a new house because the owners of the house we were renting decided to sell the house. Oliver was 10 and our daughter was 8. They were busy playing baseball. As the season wound down, we were preparing to take two or three weeks away to visit our parents in Michigan and Wisconsin. We went to Oliver's last game on a Friday night. He played catcher for a few innings and left us a memento of an extremely sweaty, salt-stained baseball hat. Our daughter was supposed to have a game the next morning, and then we were going to drive to my sister-in-law's house for the night before heading onward. It ended up raining unexpectedly, and the game was cancelled. With the extra time we now had, we decided to drive to my parent's house instead, which was a few hours further away. We spent a quick but fun night with my parents, and the next morning the kids helped with the farm chores of caring for the dogs, cat, cows, pigs, sheep, and chickens before we headed to Michigan for a week with my husband's parents. We planned to be back in Wisconsin the following week to spend more time with my parents.

We hiked, swam, kayaked, baked, and gardened. Then we loaded up the car and went camping for one night along the shores of Lake Superior. We combed the beach, climbed driftwood, jumped in the cold water, built sand castles, ate soup and smores, giggled over a unicycle and an inflatable banana chair, and watched the sunset. The next morning we got up and hiked and explored our way back to the house. We stopped and kayaked again.

When we got back to my in-laws' house we started picking all the strawberries that had ripened while we were camping. Oliver ran out to the field to help his dad on the tractor and collapsed. At first we thought something was up with his diabetes or that he was just dehydrated and worn down from our busy day and week. But it quickly became apparent something was very wrong. He took his last breath in the emergency room with my husband and me both present not long after. He fought for life, but went peacefully. He remained kind, determined, and funny to the end. We couldn't be more proud of him.

My memories get pretty foggy from here. Some of the specific moments, like watching the nurses jump on the bed to do CPR, are seared in my memory. I also remember the doctors being thoughtful and dedicated. Somehow my daughter and in-laws were there waiting and joined us once the nurses stopped CPR. I am not sure how long we stayed with him after he passed. We took off his insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor, which he used to manage his diabetes, and we realized he was free of this world of sin and heartache. We prayed together, and somehow the three of us walked out of that building.

We cried and cried and cried, and we planned a little, let our family take care of us, and started doing the next right thing as we were able. We received a phone call with the preliminary autopsy results the morning after Oliver died. They had found a heart anomaly related to the placement of his coronary arteries. I haven't actually researched his condition a lot, just enough to know it isn't genetic and it often results in a sudden death like Oliver experienced. A few days later, we had a funeral for Oliver at my parents' church in Wisconsin. We stayed there for a few more days before heading back home, where we had a small memorial gathering with our local church and friends. And then my husband went back to work, and two friends took my daughter and me blueberry picking to help us through our first day back in the real world but without Oliver.

It is as hard to end the telling of this story as it was to start it. There is no way to wrap everything up. In many ways, the rest of this blog is dedicated to telling what comes after: the ocean of emotions, the waves of grief, the feelings of despair, the hard-won lessons learned, the hope and the joy, the continued pain and grief, etc. I do have one thought about God's presence that seem to fit here best.

In one of her history lessons last week, Leah was reading about the explorations of the North and South Poles in the early 1900s. Included in the curriculum was an excerpt from Ernest Shackleton's book "South!" where he recounts when his ship, "The Endurance", became trapped in ice, and he undertook a remarkable rescue mission. The excerpt included the following quote, "When I look back on those days I have no doubt that Providence guided us, not only across those snowfields, but across the storm-white sea that separated Elephant Island from our landing-place on South Georgia. I know that during that long and racking march of thirty-six hours over unnamed mountains and glaciers of South Georgia it seemed to me often that we were four, not three." When I look back on this time of losing Oliver, I feel fresh pain and don't know why it happened, but I can say that God was with us through it all.

I see God's hand of grace everywhere in this part of the story. My husband and I could have been apart on the day Oliver died instead of together with him. We were able to do all of Oliver's favorite things with him in his last days. Oliver got to see his Nana and Papa and Grandma and Grandpa one more time before he passed. We were surrounded and supported by our family immediately. In less than 24 hours we were given assurance there was nothing we could have done to get a different outcome. And the list could go on, but the point is when God allows something to happen to His beloved children, He laces each situation with His grace. (I got this concept from the Tony Evans family as they have shared their own stories of grief and suffering surrounding the deaths of numerous family members over the last few years. Unfortunately I haven't been able to track down the right source to share with you, but I will keep looking and will share once I find it.)

Isaiah 43:1-2
But now, this is what the Lord says-
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
"Do not fear for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Songs for Mourning with Hope

I grew up in a home full of music. My dad introduced us to classic rock during solo car rides with him. My mom played guitar for church and for fun. She was always singing and listening to contemporary Christian radio, cassette tapes or CDs, and Christian concerts. My siblings and I learned to love music along with her. We all sang in our church's children's choir and joined our school's band. My sister and I got hooked on country music for a while, and she made sure I was also aware of Hanson, N'Sync, and the Backstreet Boys. One of my brothers is a middle school and high school band director, and the other brother met his musician fiance while drumming for her at a retreat. It is no wonder then that God has used music to speak truth to me, to guide me in my grief, and to give me hope. 

I am pretty sure my dad's younger sisters are letting me
check out their music in this picture. 

Here is a list of four songs that were crucial to me right after Oliver died and remain on my playlist: 

Weep with Me - Rend Collective

I love all things Rend Collective. This song is a lament and was written after a suicide bomb attack at a concert in Manchester in 2017. Openthebible.org defines lament as: "a prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion" [1]. The song is a call to weep, to reach out to God and find that He weeps with us, and to take our questions and doubts to God. I had a hard time picking just one or two lines from the song to share here because each lyric is carefully crafted and worthy of reflection. Most hopeful to me was:

Turn my lament into a love song
From this lament raise up in anthem

Red Sea Road - Ellie Holcomb

I was first introduced to this song during a different season of grief, which I hope to write about soon. Its words remained a comfort and reminder after Oliver passed away: God is with us, He calls us to do hard things, and He always makes a way. It is a song of hope that deeply acknowledges the suffering we all experience as we journey through life.

We will sing, to our souls
We won't bury our hope
Where He leads us to go
There's a red sea road
When we can't, see the way
He will part the waves
And we'll never walk alone
Down a red sea road

One Day (When We All Get to Heaven) - Matt Redmond

This song is a great reminder of the specific, Biblical promises we have to look forward to when Jesus comes to take us all home. Grief has a way of increasing our longing for heaven, and this song highlights all the things we long for. The verses full of God's promises are combined with a chorus from the hymn "When We All Get to Heaven".

One day You'll make sense of it all, Jesus
One day every question resolved
Every anxious thought left behind
No more fear
When we all get to heaven
What a day of rejoicing that will be
When we all see Jesus
We'll sing and shout the victory

Psalm 62 (My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone) - Aaron Keys and Stuart Townsend

I believe I first heard this song at church while we were stationed in Kansas three years before Oliver passed away. The song (and the psalm it is based on) remind us to cling to God during hard times. One line in particular stood out to me after Oliver died and is related to the verses this blog is named after:

The fields of hope
In which I sow
Are harvested in heaven


Which songs do you come back to again and again during times of suffering? I'd love to add them to my playlist!


[1] https://openthebible.org/article/biblical-lament-what-it-is-and-how-to-do-it/#:~:text=A%20lament%20is%20a%20prayer,side%2C%20lament%20can%20be%20jarring.

Love Story

I am reading "Uncommon Marriage" by Tony and Lauren Dungy with a Bible study I attend. For part of the study, we are each taking a turn sharing our love story with the group. For Valentine's Day, I thought I would include it here as well. 💕

My sister and I didn’t date in high school. It was a combination of two things. One, we have an overprotective dad who we love. And two, we were both interested in spiritual things and didn't know any boys who felt the same. I grew up in Wisconsin and decided to go to college in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I was quiet, focused on my studies, and interested in making friends and overcoming my shyness. I lived down the hall from three girls who had all gone to high school together, and I started going to Campus Crusade for Christ (now called Cru) meetings with them. At one of the meetings they introduced me to someone they went to high school with, and I ended up sitting next to him during the meeting. We quickly became friends and spent a lot of time together, mostly going for walks and talking. I resisted calling what we were doing dating for a while because I had a picture in my head of what God had planned for me and my college career. Meeting someone my freshman year and dating right away wasn’t it. Thankfully I eventually accepted that God had a better plan for me than I did! We were college sweethearts and neither one of us has ever dated anyone else.

One of the challenges we faced as our relationship grew more serious was that my future husband was raised Lutheran and I was raised Catholic. It was hard when we decided to find a place to go to church together where we both felt comfortable. We eventually settled on attending a baptist church together because of the emphasis on the Scriptures that we both believed and had always been a common ground in our relationship.

The other challenge was that my future husband was on an ROTC scholarship for college and was going to have a serve in the military for 4-8 years after graduation. I loved that my future husband was adventurous, dedicated, loyal, and hardworking, yet I couldn't imagine living far away from home. But I was in love, and we both felt God had brought us together. We decided to get married between our junior and senior years of college so that we were already married when he entered active duty.

We lived in married student housing for a year. We were watching an HGTV show with my daughter the other day that featured a couple just out of college who wanted to do a major renovation to their newly purchased house so they could have the color cabinets they wanted in the kitchen, a large shower in the master bathroom, etc. My husband and I both laughed so hard remembering our first apartment. Our married student housing was about 500 square feet. To get to the only tiny bathroom, you walked through the living room, through the galley kitchen, and through the bedroom. We had to leave our kitchen vent on anytime we left the apartment because when our downstairs neighbors started cooking, all the smells from their exotic spices ended up in our apartment. We were so thankful just to be together and couldn't wait to jump into whatever God had planned for us.

After some training in Missouri we headed to our first official duty station in Alaska. Looking back now it is so funny how God works. Many of my friends in high school and college had much more adventurous spirits than me, and they have ended up settling down in hometowns to raise families, while quiet me has been moving around the country for the past 18 years! But I wouldn't trade anything for what God has taught me through our military marriage.

Our love story is full of the typical up and downs of life: two babies, pets, home purchases, exciting duty stations, boring duty stations, deployments, postpartum anxiety and depression, homeschooling, epic vacations, chronic illness, so many miles driven etc. We have tried to always be for the other person, remembering that we are on the same team.

Four and a half years ago, our lives took a sudden and unexpected turn when our son passed away. In some ways our shared suffering has led to greater intimacy and confidence in our marriage. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock (Matthew 7:25). In other ways grief is an individual journey, and we are both different people than before our son passed away. While we long to share comfort and hope with one another, what comforts one of us often brings pain to the other. 

These days, our love story looks like pressing on, being thankful for what was and for what is, raising our daughter, spoiling our dog, preparing for our next move, dreaming about what life might look like after the military, taking time to heal our hearts, serving others, and longing for heaven.

Harvest from God's Word

Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them. Psalm 126:6

Often the harvest from the challenging times in our lives is not obvious to us. Much of my journey feels like two steps forward and a whole lot of steps back with one thousand miles still to go. However, the study of Scripture is one area of my life where I can clearly point to the work God has done and the ways I have changed. Today I want to share with you a few highlights from my time studying Scripture with a Bible Study Fellowship group while my family was stationed in eastern Washington (we moved to Kentucky from Washington this past summer). During my time there I was able to study Genesis, Matthew, and People of the Promise Kingdom Divided (the fifteen books of the Bible spanning the time period from the split of Israel into the northern and southern kingdoms to the exile in Babylon). The accountability to study Scriptures daily, discuss in a small group, and learn from the study resources was exactly what I needed! I continue to be amazed at how God was able to heal my heart and answer some of my questions through being immersed in His Word.

Eastern Washington and Oregon are so beautiful. It was hard
to choose which pictures to share. These are the Blue Mountains
seen from one of our favorite parks. 

Hot air balloons frequently took off from an empty field near
our house.

Genesis

I read about the God of creation who made everything out of nothing and then called man and woman in his own image to create and make and care along with him. And I received a fresh vision for homeschooling my daughter without my son and appreciating who she was as a scholar: a creator, maker, and caretaker more than a knowledge seeker. It was a gift to be reminded that in her creating, making, and caretaking she was doing what God calls all people to do.

I also read about Abraham, his willingness to trust God when called upon to sacrifice his son, his professed belief in the provision of God, and God’s ultimate provision of Jesus Christ the Lamb of God. And I mourned my own son's death in a new way and was called to trust in God's provision of Jesus for this day and for the days to come.

I read about Joseph and his declaration in Genesis 50:20: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." And I pondered what it means for God to "intend" and my picture of God grew a little bit and my faith along with it.

Eastern Washington doesn't get much rain, but that only makes
the rainbows all the more special.

Our neighborhood was full of dogwoods, redbuds,
and other blooming trees.

We would get a lot of fog in the wintertime,
and sometimes it would freeze.

Matthew

I read about Jesus healing people again and again and again. And I mourned that Oliver did not receive the healing I wanted him to, was encouraged by the fact that if Jesus in the flesh had been there Oliver would have been healed, and was reminded that Jesus has the power to heal and that in His power He will restore all things some day. 

I read about how God blesses the poor in spirit and those who mourn with the kingdom of heaven and comfort. And I was challenged to seek out Jesus for comfort and to mourn not just my loss but the sinfulness of myself and the world.

I read Jesus' parable of the kingdom of heaven being like a pearl of great price, worth everything someone has. And I marveled at the gloriousness of God's kingdom which Oliver was enjoying in full and I was enjoying in part. And I marveled that each of us is the pearl of great price, which God considers worth the loss of his own son's life.

Our trips to the Blue Mountains, about an hour from our house,
definitely gave us a bigger pictures of God's kingdom.

Beautiful in every season!

So much snow!

Our first of several spring wildflower hikes.

People of the Promise Kingdom Divided

I read again and again and again of man’s utter depravity, God’s righteous judgment, and the promised Messiah. And I was confused, but also so thankful for Jesus, sufficient for my own depravity and sinfulness, sufficient for my sorrows, and worthy of all of my worship.

I read in the book of Amos God’s promise of restoration for his people: "They will plant vineyards and drink their wine; they will make gardens and eat their fruit" (Amos 9:14b). And I took hope, as someone who loves to garden and has had to move away from many a garden without tasting its fruit, that my turn to garden is coming soon too, both in days to come here on earth and the full fulfillment in heaven. And I felt loved that God would paint a word picture that felt like it was just for me, hidden among the minor prophets.

I read in the book of Isaiah promises of a future resurrection and restoration, verses like Isaiah 26:19: “But your dead will live, Lord; their bodies will rise- let those who dwell in the dust wake up and shout for joy- your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead.” And I was surprised to find this and other resurrection promises in Isaiah and await it with joy.

Leah and I often plant bulbs at the houses we rent
and wonder about who will be enjoying them each
spring.

Check out the busy bees!

I won't remember what Ash was 
looking at!

In his book, "Do You Believe", Paul David Tripp describes how God's Word saves, points, teaches, rescues, warns, protects, encourages, motivates, confronts, convicts, and guides. It has done all that and more for me both before and after Oliver passed away. What sheaves from God’s Word has the Holy Spirit helped you harvest lately?

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Hebrews 11:13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.

Laughing in Church

I almost laughed out loud twice in church this past weekend. I thought I would share the story here not only because it is funny but also because it illustrates how much God loves us and laughs with us too. 

I arrived at church with a lot on my mind. We are going on a trip soon. We are driving 529 miles north to my parents’ house to drop off my daughter, and then my husband and I are getting on an airplane to attend a military course. Spouses are invited for the first week for professional development, while my husband's course is three weeks. After I complete the course I am flying back to my parents’ house to pick up my daughter and drive us both home. In addition to thinking about all of my travel, I was also thinking about my wardrobe. Somehow I need to turn my homeschool mom uniform of well-worn workout clothes, jeans, t-shirts, ratty cardigans, and tennis shoes into a week’s worth of business casual attire. Just that morning I had opened a package containing ankle boots I had ordered on-line (they don’t carry my size 11s in many stores), and they didn’t fit! My toes were squished and my heels were sliding all over the place. Back to the drawing board! Finally, I was also thinking about how to find healthy, gluten-free food (I was diagnosed with celiac about a year ago) while traveling, staying in a hotel, and attending classes all day. 

With all of that on my mind, I sat down at Sunday School. We were reading from Genesis 12 and 13, which is where God calls Abram to go and promises to bless him. Our Sunday School teacher stopped us at Genesis 12 verses 7 and 8 where we see Abram, in the midst of his travels, stopping twice and building an altar to worship God. She challenged us to think about our minivans and our travels and what it would look like to stop and worship God in the middle of it all. And I laughed. What a timely word!

Then during the church service, our new pastor read from Matthew 6:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you-you of little faith? (Matthew 6:25-31).

Two timely reminders in one day! What could I do but laugh! I can be a worrier, and I often go to those verses for a reminder that God will care for me and I don’t need to worry. But I don’t think I have ever read them when I could have answered the question “what are you most worried about?” with the answer “well, I am worried about what I am going to wear and what I am going to eat”.

Thank you God for providing not just the food and clothes I need, but also providing laughter and the right words to steer me onward!

First dandelion of the year in our yard.

Do turkey vultures count as
birds of the air?

There is a songbird in this picture,
you will have to take my word for it.

I finished making cookies for a Valentine's party
in time to go shopping again. Hopefully these
boots look as good with dress pants as they do
with these leggings from my homeschool mom
uniform LOL.