Happy Easter!

Just a short post from me this week. Yesterday I had the opportunity to share my story at the woman's ministry I attend at our current duty station. I spent this week's writing time preparing what I wanted to say, but ultimately decided not to share it here. Much of it came from things I already shared or plan to expand on here in the future. I did want to share a few thoughts about Easter though.

Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday as a kid. I loved the simple gathering of family over food and the emphasis on giving thanks. I also loved that winter was coming. As an adult Thanksgiving remained important to me, especially as I read the book "One Thousand Gifts" and learned the daily practice of thanksgiving. 

Since Oliver died, Easter had taken on new and deeper meaning for me. Because of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, we have hope. Death is not the end. Oliver is alive in heaven with Jesus today, and someday I will be reunited with Jesus and Oliver in eternity. This is not because of anything Oliver did or anything I did, but because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for our redemption. Jesus was victorious. His resurrection power lives in us when we believe, and we too will rise some day! Happy Easter!

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality [when we join Jesus in heaven someday], then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." [Isaiah 25:8] "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" [Hosea 13:14] The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Cor 15:54-57

The First Tears

Losing Oliver was not my first experience with the loss of someone out of order. When I was a young child, one of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side of the family lost an infant due to a heart condition, and one of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side of the family lost a child due to premature birth. When I was in middle school one of my aunts died when she was in her early 30s after several years of illness. Because of these events, I always knew Christians were not immune to the toughest parts of life. I knew that grief chops you down and yet somehow you keep going. I knew that after a loss you are never the same but hopefully you are living something truer than you were before. And I knew even when we lose someone they are never forgotten nor far from us. I also experienced an out of order grief firsthand as an adult when my sister passed away in August of 2018, eleven months before Oliver.

My sister, MaryJo, was fifteen months younger than me. We also have two younger brothers. My mom stayed home with us kids, and I remember having so much fun playing, laughing, fighting, and working together. We grew up in a small town, and MaryJo and I shared many experiences. We had many of the same teachers and shared a classroom three times in elementary and middle school and once in high school (I am questioning that number, it may have been a few more times in high school). We were in the same band, choir, and softball teams. 

My parents worked hard to keep our family close as we were growing up. We always ate dinner together. We started camping right after my youngest brother was born, first in a tent and eventually in a pop-up camper. It always rained, but that never stopped us from having fun fishing, swimming, hiking, playing games, and cooking over a fire. At the end of my 8th grade year of school and my sister's 7th grade year, my family bought a piece of property, sold our house, and moved into an empty convent for three months while our family worked together to build a house on the new property. These are the kind of things that bond you together for life, even if it does mean you can never play two truths and a lie in a group together. "Hey, I was going to use the convent story for one of my truths! I don’t know how to play the game without it!"

My sister and I were always so different, from looks to personality to interests. Our paths in adulthood also took us in different directions. I went to college in Michigan to study Environmental Science, and a year later MaryJo went to college in Wisconsin to study Special Education. I got married while still in college, graduated, and headed off to Missouri and Alaska with my husband. I worked for two years, and once my children were born, I stayed home with them as we continued to move around the country with the Army. My sister graduated, moved to Portland, began a Master's program that involved teaching and studying, and eventually spent eight years overseas working on various educational efforts in Nicaragua, Laos, and Afghanistan. 

MaryJo would often come visit me wherever I was living over spring break or Thanksgiving. She always went to great lengths to come home for Christmas, and many years I would travel home as well. I was able to visit her twice when she was in Portland, but I never made it to any of her overseas locations.

My parents, siblings, and I worried about her when she started living in more and more far flung places, but we knew that she was doing what she loved to do and following her God-given calling. While she was living in Afghanistan, she got sick with what seemed like a normal illness. I first heard she was sick when my parents got a phone call that her liver wasn't working. MaryJo was moved to Germany. My mom flew to Germany to be with her, and we all prayed. We were hopeful but scared. A week later she was put on a ventilator. At that time my dad and one of my brothers joined my mom in Germany, and my other brother, my kids, and I traveled to Wisconsin to care for my parents' farm. We continued to pray, but we also knew things weren’t looking good and God doesn’t always give us the yes we want. A week later she passed away. 

My parents hosted a beautiful celebration of life for my sister and modeled putting faith in Jesus while being truthful about how you are feeling, just like they always have. My brothers and I tried to follow suit. We were all sad, overwhelmed, dismayed, confused, etc. We were all dealing with our grief in our own way as we tried to also comfort one another and figure out how to keep living when one we loved so much was gone.

Helping on my parents' farm was such a blessing during this
time. We were comforted by puppies, family and friends, time in
nature, new experiences, and the joy of outdoor work.  

It had been a long time since I had done any canning!

I wrote these words on my facebook page during this time:

"My sister is beautiful. She is smart, fun, funny, determined, and creative. She passed away last week, and I miss her.

MaryJo always saw people and wanted to help (she even helped me find my first pair of skinny jeans). She always sought out and answered the call to go. She was passionate about education. She worked tirelessly to help her students learn and to help entire countries worth of children access education. She could fit in anywhere from schoolrooms in 3rd world countries to white tie events in big cities to family gatherings in the country.

We never saw each other often enough after we grew up, but that did not diminish our love for each other. She is in all my cherished childhood memories. MaryJo, you are so precious to me." 

I could sure use her help with the current jeans landscape! And to explain to me the mystery of middle schoolers, who she taught and loved in Portland and Nicaragua. I wish I could get on a plane and visit her in a far off country. I wish I could still get mad at her for being so terrible about keeping in touch. In short, I still miss her in a hundred thousand ways.

The loss of Oliver came so quickly after the loss of MaryJo. Only eleven months separate their passings. My grief over Oliver overwhelmed and overshadowed my grief over MaryJo for a time. And then it started to peek out again and make itself known as distinct from my grief over losing Oliver. Most of the lessons I have learned about God, life, hope, truth, mercy, compassion, and thanksgiving, I see through the lens of the loss of Oliver. And yet when I stop to get a full perspective, I know these lessons all took root and were tested first in my grief over MaryJo.  

I took the above picture in the spring after MaryJo died while on a walk with my kids. It has been the desktop wallpaper on my laptop ever since. It reminds me of beauty for ashes, fallen seeds bearing much fruit, winter giving way to spring, and bright hope for tomorrow. It is hard living between the promise and the fulfillment. It is so hard when those we love are called ahead of us way too soon. This picture reminds me to cling to hope. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace, comfort your hearts and establish you in every good word and work. 2 Thes 2:15-16

The Body of Christ

One of my favorite parts of our trip to Kansas was getting to visit the church we attended when we lived there seven years ago. My husband and I had a good laugh on the way back to our hotel because it only took about ten minutes of being in the church to remember all the things we loved about attending there (and a few of the things that were challenging). It felt like home the first time we walked in, and it felt like home again after years of being away.

We moved away from Kansas two years before Oliver died. Our old church in Kansas prayed for us and mourned with us from afar. They knew Oliver: his beautiful dimples and hazel eyes, his care and love for his sister, his humor, the way he gave his all at AWANA game time to the point of getting all red and sweaty, his ease in memorizing Scripture, his challenges in reading Scripture... When we visited in February, we were able to give and receive some long overdue hugs, wipe away a few tears, mourn a bit together both over the loss we had experienced and the losses each of them had also experienced in the same timeframe, and recount the ways God has been faithful. 

Sometimes this military life we live is tiring, and I am ready to be done saying good-bye as we move our family around the country all the time. But I am so thankful for the friends we have made and the churches we have been able to be a part of. It has been a unique way to experience the body of Christ and taste a bit of the joy that is coming when we are reunited in Heaven someday.

PS. I couldn't pick an appropriate number of pictures to include in this post from our time living in Kansas, so I included too many all at the end. Oliver was in second grade in these pictures.

Building a swing with Dad

I don't remember if he was fixing the bike for real or for pretend.

Splatter painting

These two have a story they love to tell about this camping trip.
You should ask her about it someday.

My dad and mom came to visit us!

We played so much football in the backyard that winter. 
He was a terrible sport, and I despaired of him ever learning
to be a good loser. He did get better with time and maturity!

He was so excited to be on a baseball team!

Janet's Homeschool Day in the Life (with a 13-year-old)

When I started my blog in January of this year, I knew right away that I would write this post, even though it is pretty different from what I typically write. I have been reading at https://simplehomeschool.net since we first considered homeschool as an option for our family back in 2013. I devoured all of the posts and information, especially the annual homeschool day in the life posts. It was so fun to read what each family was doing, celebrate the uniqueness of homeschooling, and try really hard not to compare! Each year there was a link-up where readers could share their homeschool day in a life as well. I almost started a blog a few times just so I could have a link to share! I am so excited to share my homeschool day in a life this year!

This is my tenth year of homeschooling. I started when my children were five and three and have been going ever since. My oldest passed away unexpectedly the summer after his 4th grade year of school. I couldn't imagine homeschooling without him, but I also couldn't imagine not homeschooling my youngest anymore. We decided to keep homeschooling, and while homeschooling a single child for the past five years has had its challenges, we still find a lot of joy in our homeschool journey. Here's what a typical Monday in early spring looks like for us:

My alarm has been set for 5:20 since the new year. I have done a pretty good job of actually waking up when it goes off, but this Daylight Savings thing throws me off a little this morning! I scroll my phone for a while, then pray, do my Bible study (I am currently studying John with Bible Study Fellowship), and start writing.

My daughter, 13 and in 7th grade, usually wakes up a little after six and reads before heading downstairs for breakfast at seven. She also didn't wake up as early as usual this morning. She is currently reading "The Selkie's Daughter", a new fantasy book she found. We work together to make something quick but filling for breakfast, and then jump right in with our homeschool day while eating what we made and saying good-bye as my husband leaves for work. We start by playing worlde and quordle together, then we watch CNN10 (https://www.youtube.com/@CNN10). I had heard good things about this ten minute current events program for middle and high schoolers and have been very impressed with the fact-based, age-appropriate reporting. Then I read aloud a book. We rotate between classics, books from the Sonlight curriculum, things I see recommended on the readaloudrevival.com and a few other spots on the internet, and random things we find at the library. Our current selection is a random find, "Braver: A Wombat's Tale".

Our dog, Ash, is watching my husband leave for work.

We migrate from the kitchen table to the couch. 
I am usually still in my bathrobe, but not today!

We've gotten into a good rhythm lately where we do one more thing together after I read aloud but before starting the meaty part of her studies. This month we decided to do a nature journal challenge, where we are trying to journal 25 times in the month of March based on 25 nature prompts. We are working on our journals by ourselves and keeping the entries a secret until the big reveal at the end of the month. Other things we have done during this time are poetry, music, and artist study.

Then we start working through her core subjects. First up today is science. We are using Berean Builder's "Science in the Atomic Age". I read aloud the first section of the chapter on the digestive and renal systems. She performs a demonstration about the importance of physical digestion using vinegar and TUMS, takes a few notes from the reading, and completes the comprehension questions out loud. For history we are using Notgrass History's "From Adam to Us". We have been working through this world history curriculum for the last two years. Today's reading is about India and Ghandi. My daughter narrates the reading, and I assign her one of the assignments, which she will complete on her own later. There are several assignments left which she will complete tomorrow.

We were a little short of vinegar, but thankfully it was still enough
to make the TUMS fizz.

Next is math, which is my daughter's least favorite subject. She started the year working through a pre-algebra curriculum, but it ended up not being a good fit. At first I just had her move slower through the curriculum, but after Christmas break we shelved it and started some review using "Mastering Essential Math Skills Book 2". She completed that a couple of weeks ago and now is moving through "Mastering Essential Math Skills Pre-Algebra Concepts". Today she worked through a page on adding and subtracting integers with decimals. No tears! Yay!

I would take a break at this point, but she always wants to keep plugging away. Next we do a spelling lesson on -ible words using All About Spelling Level 6. And finally, we start a chapter on biographies using "Jump In: Middle School Composition". This week will be focused on skills specific to biographies, and next week she will write a biography. Today's assignment defines biographies and has a fun game where she matches ten people from history with ten introductory sentences from their pretend biographies.

While my daughter works through these math, spelling, and writing assignments, I rotate between facilitating/answering questions and reading a few pages from a book (currently working through "Do You Believe" by Paul David Tripp) or catching up on my Bible study. I try really hard to stay off my phone as it is distracting and doesn't put either one of us in a good mood, but it is so tempting.

At this point we are finished besides piano, typing, and Bible study, which my daughter does on her own time. She heads up to her room to read and work on a paint-by-number created from a picture of our dog that my husband and I got her for Christmas. While she paints she listens to an audiobook. She is currently listening to "Holes". I walk our dog. When I get back I make us some lunch, and we eat while watching college gymnastics on youtube. After lunch we do the dishes together, and then head outside to practice softball. It's mostly fun to watch her pass me in ability, but occasionally annoying when I tell my legs to move and they stay put! She really wants to pitch and practices a couple of times a week if the weather cooperates. Then I head inside to work on this blog post, and my daughter finishes pitching, practices the piano, and does her history assignment.

When she is finished, we head out to a nature preserve near our house with our dog to take a walk and work on our nature journals. We listen to "Half-Magic" on audio during the drive. It's so funny! I highly recommend it for all ages. We see spring ephemerals, a bunch of turtles, and some friends on our walk. I love getting outside as much as I can with my middle schooler!

When we get home we both grab a snack and head off in our separate directions again. I exercise, shower, pick up all the things we scattered around the house all day, and warm up leftovers. My daughter listens to her book, paints, and reads. My husband comes home during this time as well and is vigorously greeted by our dog and eventually the rest of us get a turn to say welcome home as well.

We eat dinner and clean up. My daughter finally does her typing lesson, and then it is off to watch her play volleyball. We get back and chill for a bit, and then she meets for an on-line Bible Study with Bible Study Fellowship. My husband and I read, scroll the internet, and try to stay awake until she finishes. 

The morning part of our day looks the same every day except Thursday, when I go to Bible study and she works on her own, and Tuesday, when we go to a homeschool co-op where I help teach the K-2nd classroom and she learns art, writing, science, and debate with a class of 6th-7th graders. Our afternoons are usually a mixture of activities together, by ourselves, and with others. The activities vary, but often include sports, art, crafts, baking, board games, puzzles, books, and exploring outdoors. Her volleyball is two nights a week. On other nights she has youth group or we stay home and hang out together, playing games and watching a show or two. My daughter and I both thrive on the mixture of routine and free time we have found, and I treasure these days together!

Maple Syrup Making and Reflections on Family

I love going home to see my family: my parents in Wisconsin, my in-laws in Michigan, and all of our siblings and their spouses and kids, along with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins when we are able. Video calls, phone calls, emails, and texts help us stay in touch while we are apart, but there is nothing like hanging out in person for a while. We feel loved, supported, and accepted. Both of our parents have large properties with gardens, fields, and woods. My parents also have cows, pigs, chickens, and sheep along with dogs and a cat. It is beautiful, familiar, secure, and most of all HOME, a true lighthouse to guide us in all of our moving. We know that not everyone has a family like ours, and we try to respond with gratitude for what we have been given. And yet since Oliver died, going home to see family is also challenging and something I am tempted to avoid. I want to share today a few reasons for this, in hopes of bringing clarity to my own mind and maybe help others not feel so alone in their feelings.

My most recent trip to Wisconsin included cooking 
down sap into maple syrup!

The first reason has to do with the fact that we were visiting family when Oliver died suddenly and unexpectedly. Every trip we have taken since is now associated in my body with "something really bad could happen". I don't often consciously have that thought. Instead I feel anxious and irritable, and I seek ways to avoid the trip. I procrastinate planning and packing. I fill the days before we leave with activity to distract myself. I hate that I feel this way.

The second challenge I face is the fact that in our everyday life our family of three feels normal and right, but when we go back to our extended family it feels like Oliver should be there. I set the table for too many people. I actually look for him even though I know he isn't there. I have changed in ways that maybe aren't obvious on a video chat, but are apparent in person. The ways I have changed also become more obvious to me when I am around my family, and I don't always like what I notice. The tension of everyone grieving differently is there, and I don't want it to be.

And finally when we go home, we face a different set of memories, a set that we haven't become accustomed to like we have the memories in our own house: the pictures of Oliver on our parents' refrigerators, the bed we cried in all night that first night, the hospital where Oliver died, the church where we had the funeral. These things and others all have to be faced a hundred times or more before their sting and breath-stealing power diminish. Because we only experience them when we visit, we haven't gotten to that number yet.

We finished the last bit of cooking in the house.

So good!

The question becomes what to do. I try not to let my feelings stop me from visiting! As you can see from the pictures of our most recent visit to Wisconsin, so much joy, fun, and support is found in spending time with our family. I don't want to let my feelings and challenges stop me from planning and enjoying a visit. Besides, putting off the visit doesn't make it easier, but instead lets these feelings build up and grow bigger than they need to be. Naming the feelings helps as does remembering what I learned from Lysa Teurkurt in her book Unglued: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around." I try to face the situation head on but with patience for myself. I try to remember that somehow Christ's "power is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor 12:9). I lean on my daughter and husband to provide some of the enthusiasm I lack. I embrace how my lack of planning and procrastination has led to better trips anyway as we enjoy some spontaneity and take things as they come. And it remains something that I struggle with, fail at, and need to accept.

For those wondering how things
went with my food and clothes during the 
trip, I was mostly dressed appropriately
and found delicious GF foods to eat!

Ultimately the result of each trip is I have a great time and I return with my grief feelings all stirred up again. And that is good. My prayer is for the stirring to be productive, for things to settle in a gentler, more truthful, less sharp way.

Nothing like coming home to a happy dog
and spring sunshine!