Fear After Child Loss

My last couple of posts have involved lists, which has sped up my writing process a bit and given me some time to write a few posts I have been procrastinating because I knew they would be challenging and slow to write. Here is the first one, a post about the fear I have felt since the loss of Oliver. Like all my posts, I pray my sharing brings healing to me, encouragement and a since of not being the only one to others, and glory to God for all He has done. 

I have not read the book, "A Grief Observed", by CS Lewis, but I know it contains a commonly shared quote of his: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." I have struggled with fear/anxiety/worries on and off throughout my life, especially after the births of both of my children. Fear has been a present and sometimes overwhelming force in my grief journey as well.

When Oliver passed away, I lost the ability to comfort myself in my fear with the thought "but that's the worst thing that could happen and it's highly unlikely". The seemingly impossible had happened, and it could again. I lived in fear of the next bad thing happening. It felt right around the corner all the time.

With time the fear of the next terrible thing happening has been pushed back some, but I continue to live with the reality and even expectation that bad things really do happen and will happen. This fear (or is it just knowledge?) shows itself in startling almost funny ways almost five years later. For example, my Bible study group was recently praying for someone's mom who had been in a car accident. An hour or two after I read initial prayer request, the person shared an update via text, which showed up in the preview on my phone as "Mom went home..." My mind immediately thought "Mom went home to be with Jesus", but what actually happened was "Mom went home around 11. She is fine besides being a little sore. Thanks for praying". Once my heart stopped racing, I was able to laugh and roll my eyes at myself and my automatic response. I used to think of myself as an optimist! Now the worst case scenarios just seem so likely.

Not only do they seem likely, I also have a remembered feeling in my body of how terrible it feels to have someone you love ripped from your life. When I hear of someone's passing, I no longer think, "how sad, I couldn't imagine" because I can to some extent not just imagine but also know and remember the horror of it all. Although I testify throughout my blog about how God was with me and my family in all of that, it doesn't mean that it wasn't traumatic and impossibly painful.

Those remembered feelings are triggered by all kinds of things. Some of my triggers are unexpected, others are predictable. They all feel like fear. For example, I have a moment of panic each time I walk past the boys clothing aisle at Wal-mart, remembering how while on vacation, my husband, daughter, and I went to Wal-mart and picked out a new pair of jeans and a button down shirt to bury my son in. 

We started a recent dog walk in an old parking lot, which was
covered with these flowers.

The worst of my struggle with fear and anxiety after Oliver's death started almost a year after Oliver died. Before then I struggled some, but my anxiousness was always tempered by fog and numbness. Once that started wearing off, the fear made itself more known. I see God's providence in this timing. My daughter started doing a lot better with her own grief around this same time, which gave me more emotional energy to spend on myself and hopefully kept me from passing along some of my fears and fear responses to my daughter.

My fear showed itself in the normal ways: anxious feelings and thoughts, full-on heart-racing body-trembling panic, brooding circles around a problem and being unable to make a decision, a constant feeling of unease, and frequently asking my husband and daughter if they were OK. My fear also showed up in new or unexpected ways: irritability around changes of plans or things not going as I expected, concerns about traveling or making plans, a desire to stay at home, and an equal desire to never be at home.

I haven't handled my fears as well as I would have liked. When I am feeling anxious, it is easy for me to get sucked in by my phone, endlessly scrolling rather than facing and feeling reality. I have tried and failed to find the right balance between forcing myself to do things even when I am scared and giving myself grace and space for how I am feeling. I have relied on others for things I should have handled, and I have stuffed feelings down rather than ask for the help I need. And yet, by the grace of God, I am in a much better place with my anxieties than I have been in a long time. And certainly I am in a better place than I would have thought possible when I was in the midst of the worst of it.  Next week I plan to share some of the ways that God has helped me deal with my fears and find a little peace and acceptance.

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Things I Don't Want to Throw

Last week I shared with you some thoughts inspired by a book I wanted to throw across the room. I figured this week I would share some things I have been loving and not wanting to throw.

1. Nothing is Wasted Podcast

I ran across this podcast on youtube while looking for something else, and I have been listening to episode after episode. The majority of the episodes are long interviews with people who have experienced something painful in their life and found purpose and healing through Christ. With over 300 episodes, they cover all different kinds of pain. A few of my favorite episodes have been:

Episode 307 - How Suffering Shapes our Hearts with Andrew Peterson

https://www.nothingiswasted.com/podcast1/episode-307

Episode 275 Stewarding Our Sorrows Well with Tim Challies
https://www.nothingiswasted.com/podcast1/episode-275

Episode 167 Shanti Feldhahn
https://www.nothingiswasted.com/podcast1/episode-167

2. Seasons of Sorrow by Tim Challies

Listening to Tim Challies on the podcast episode above finally convinced me to purchase his book "Seasons of Sorrow", which are his early thoughts surrounding the loss of his young adult son and God's call to grieve faithfully. The chapters are short and cover a wide variety of grief-related topics, some with the flavor of a well-reasoned essay and some with the flavor of a raw journal entry. His writing is full of biblical truth, steadfast faith, and honest feelings. I was especially encouraged and challenged by the manifesto he included in chapter 9, particularly the line: "My joy in having loved Nick will be greater than my grief in having lost him."

3. Every Moment Holy

I first learned about the book "Every Moment Holy" from a good friend in eastern Washington. Volume 1 is a modern prayer book that covers a wide variety of topics from "For Students and Scholars" to "Lament Upon the Finishing of a Beloved Book" and "For Domestic Days". I was especially blessed when my friend read the prayer "For Leavings" as our family prepared to leave eastern Washington and the community we had there and move to our current location in Kentucky. A different friend recently texted me "A Liturgy for When the Long Sadness has Settled In" from volume 2, which is full of liturgies for Death, Grief, and Hope. This prayer gave words to feelings of sadness and hope which I experience each day, and it finally convinced me to purchase the first two volumes of Every Moment Holy (blogging has not been good for my book budget). Each prayer is carefully and thoughtfully constructed, and the corresponding illustrations bring unique illumination to each topic. I am thankful to finally have this resource on hand.

How I wish my nightstand looked

The before picture

4. Sports

I teach a three hour homeschool class once a week with three other moms for kindergarten to second graders. The other day for show and tell, we chose the theme of sports. It was so fun to watch the kiddo's enthusiasm as they brought in their little trophies and shared about the sports they have played and are currently playing. It encouraged me, as I deal with the challenges of another busy and imperfect sports season, to remember how much pride and joy it brings them and how loved and special it makes them feel to be able to participate!

5. Half Magic by Edward Eager

My daughter and I listened to this book while riding in the car recently. It's a story about four siblings who find a coin which grants wishes. It is full of delightful and realistic sibling interactions. It's so funny and interesting that I don't want to give any more away by describing it!

6. All I Have is Christ

We sang this song in church the other day, and it is now on repeat in my head and on my phone. "And let my song forever be/ My only boast is You".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugGucoYMmKg

I Wanted to Throw the Book... I Made a List Instead

I love to read. One of my favorite parts of the day is reading aloud to my daughter a book we both enjoy. I usually spend my evenings with fluffy, inspirational fiction, and I also try to have a non-fiction book going as well, although the pace I get through those is startlingly slow compared to the fiction!

Recently a non-fiction book I was reading made me so mad I was ready to throw the book! Typically I throw books across the room when they venture into legalism or forget suffering is part of life. I notice and throw books like this one and others like it because I recognize these same traits in myself all too often. I don't need anything to help me feed these tendencies. My perfectionism still roars all on its own and wants me to believe if I just do everything right, then everything will be OK and will work out in a way I define as good for me and my family. This desire for perfection tempts me to call the wrong things suffering, to minimize my actual suffering, or to deny that something I am facing is suffering.

Rather than throw the book, I made an impassioned list of all the ways we see God at work in our suffering. When we ignore, deny, or minimize our suffering, we miss these opportunities to see God at work. I was amazed at how long my list got and how many things I continued to add to it as I went about my day. GOD IS AT WORK IN OUR SUFFERING!

Our iris bulbs from Aldis are blooming!
The details astound me!

Before I share the list, I do want to add two caveats. First, this is my list of the ways I have seen God at work in suffering. It is not intended as a list of reasons why God allows suffering. We aren't given a clear or complete answer to the question of why this side of heaven. Rather like Job, we are called to trust the God of all wisdom and knowledge: "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" (Job 38:4-7). No reason I can understand with my limited, earthly perspective will ever be sufficient to explain why Oliver died so young. But I can trust in the God who is faithful and is with me in my struggles. I can look at all God is doing in the suffering and be amazed. I can know that when I get to heaven and see with clear eyes, there will be a reason (or maybe I won't feel the need for one anymore). All will be more than sufficient and will cause me to praise God all the more for the mighty work He has done in our lives. Paul reminds us in Romans 8:31-32: "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32). And again in 2 Cor 4:17-18: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

My second caveat would be that sometimes what is comforting to one person is not to another person. Or what is comforting in one season is not in another season. I surprised myself when I reread my initial list because it was comforting for me to see a list of ways God is at work in suffering, while in the past the same list would have been frustrating, disappointing, and sorrowful. My pain in losing Oliver was so great, words couldn't comfort. Maybe that is where you are today, and that is more than OK.

I wasn't sure if they were going to make it after
after this cold snap!

For the longest time I thought these were daffodils
that had survived but missed their chance to bloom.
Turns out I was wrong!

They were irises and needed more time!

And so with no further ado, here is my list of ways God is at work in our suffering:

1. When we suffer, we are participating with Christ in His suffering. This is how God works.

Peter 4:12-13 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participated in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

2. God's character is revealed in our suffering. God is proved faithful, present, steadfast, all-powerful, kind, forgiving, patient etc. when we need Him the most.

Psalm 86:11-13 Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead.

3. God uses suffering to produce godly character in us.

Romans 5:3-5 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because we know that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

4. In our suffering Christ comforts us so that we might comfort others.

2 Cor 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

5. In our suffering, God gives us the gift of hope.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

6. God is the one at work within us in our suffering with His resurrection power. He is the only one who is able.

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

7. God keeps us safe in His shelter during suffering, not any efforts on our part.

Psalm 27:5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

8. God's power is made perfect in our weakness.

2 Cor 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

9. Suffering proves our faith genuine and results in praise for our Savior.

1 Peter 1:6-7 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

10. Ultimately, God uses our suffering for good.

Genesis 50:20 (Joseph to his brothers when they are afraid he will repay them for selling him into slavery) You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

11. Suffering creates a longing for Heaven

Hebrews 11:13-16 All these people (Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Sarah are mentioned in Hebrews 11:1-12) were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had an opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

In our lives when we find ourselves in the midst of suffering, we can cry out to God in our desperation, and He will meet us there. We don't need to try to cover up the suffering as if this "imperfection" in our lives needs to be handled on our own. Rather we can trust that God will do the work in our suffering and use it for our good and His glory. With eyes full of tears but open wide, we can watch God at work in our lives and respond with gratitude for all He has done and continues to do. What ways have you seen God work in suffering that you would add to my list?