One Thousand Gifts

I don’t have any intention of telling my story in any sort of order. However, my journey does have a clear beginning, and I want to start there today.

Oliver was born in October of 2008 while we were living in Alaska. My husband had left for a year-long deployment to Iraq three weeks before his birth. A dear friend went to the hospital with me, patiently offering encouragement and giving me space to do my thing (at least that's how I remember it; she probably has her own version of events). Oliver was born dimpled and perfect, and we were so happy. And I was so scared.

I loved being a mom. Oliver and I would talk to my husband on Skype early in the morning for us and late at night for him. We would Skype with my mom each day as well. I had a great group of godly friends who were all having babies and dealing with deployments together and a church family who offered me tons of support. Several friends and family came to visit me, and my brother stayed with me through the summer. I have so many good and joyful memories from this time. But I was so scared.

Pics from a walk in Alaska with a college friend who
came to visit about a month after Oliver was born.

My fear, a long Alaska winter, deployments, perfectionism, ugly intrusive thoughts, and postpartum hormones and emotions mixed together in a storm of anxiety and depression that affected me on and off for years: through reunification after the deployment, becoming pregnant with my second, moving to Missouri, giving birth to my beautiful daughter, and moving to Kentucky. I really struggled with trusting that no matter what happened in the future God was in control and it was going to be OK. I also struggled with the fact that I was struggling. 

Looking back now, I have so much grace and love for the girl I was then. I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her she is doing great, and she is going to come through this season grateful for the things it has taught her and the ways she has changed. 

This season of wrestling through my anxiety and depression cemented my faith and helped me claim it for my own. I had to face not just my sinfulness, but my own depravity and inability to do anything good on my own. I reached out for Jesus my Savior again and again and He was there, a shelter in the storm. Everything didn't change for me all at once, but He carried me through and restored me. 

The number one thing God used to help me with my fear was the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I learned about the book from a friend in Alaska and started keeping my own daily list of gifts shortly after hearing about it, based on my friend's description of the book and her modeling of the concept on her blog. Giving thanks for things large and small helped me to see God's presence and work in my life more clearly and helped me grow to trust Him more. 

I finally read "One Thousand Gifts" in the summer of 2011. In the book Ann Voskamp shares her journey of practicing thanksgiving and how it has taught her to: 

• find joy through thanksgiving
• be present for the small miracles and get the gift of time
• see grace in all things by looking from the perspective of God's Word and the gift of Jesus
• see God Himself in His glories big and small
• give and realize it is Christ who does the giving

Oliver building like Dad in Kentucky

It was during this time that Oliver, who was now 2 1/2, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. We were scared and sad, but also thankful and determined. The testing my faith had gone through after he was born had prepared my husband and me to respond to this new trial. To give thanks for insulin, for being together, for a neighbor who watched our dog while we were in the hospital, for the children's hospital only being 45 minutes away from our new home, for friends from Alaska who had just arrived in Kentucky and watched our baby girl while we learned how to take care of Oliver. We didn't respond perfectly and the situation was still heartbreaking, but we were able to see God with us through it all and cling to hope and trust Him. 

My story takes many twists and turns from here (six more moves and counting, two more deployments, and the decision to homeschool to name a few!!!). I didn't know what trials were ahead of me or the ways thanksgiving would continue to shape me. I just knew that God had given me a beautiful gift in teaching me to stop and give thanks for each moment. 

"Count blessings and discover Who can be counted on."

-Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

He who did not spare his own Son, but give him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32