Sowing with Tears

I would like to share more about the verses I named my blog after.

Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

These verses became an anthem for me as I grieved the loss of Oliver. They were permission. I didn't have to figure out how to stop crying, I didn't have to figure out how to grieve, I didn't have to fix this unfixable thing, I didn't have to find the answers to all the questions, and I didn't have to give up living. Instead, I could continue sowing seeds by living my everyday life, trusting somehow God would do the work and joy was ahead of me and my family.

Here are a few shots of my everyday life:

The daffodil bulbs we planted this fall are 
coming up already. Hopefully they do OK
with this week's cold.

We tried cast iron skillet brownies this 
weekend. So good. Crusty on the edge, 
gooey in the middle.

We will be moving again this summer.
Putting away the Christmas decorations
with a little extra care always feels like
the first step in the moving process. Next
up is eating through the freezer! 

So much fun with one inch of snow!

My daughter and I have been enjoying
going to the gym near our house and 
practicing volleyball. 

While the verses became a beautiful promise to me, I couldn't remember where I had first read them and began applying them to my grief. Last year, our precious and greatly missed small group in eastern Washington was tasked with sharing a favorite Bible verse, and I took the opportunity to retrace some steps and try to figure out the verses' origins in my life.

The first place I looked was the book "Through The Eyes of a Lion" by Levi Lusko. This book helped me immensely in my grief journey, and I plan to write a blog post about it soon. The concept of choosing to sow seeds in the midst of suffering is certainly contained in the book, but Psalm 126 isn't directly quoted. Here is an example: "Resolving to believe has always been the defining mark of followers of Jesus, ever since the very beginning of the church."

Then I searched "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Again the concept of sowing with tears is present, but a direct quote of those verses is not. "Living with losses, I may choose to still say yes. Choose to say yes to what He freely gives."

Next I started searching blogs I frequent and facebook pages I follow. I found the following facebook post made by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries on July 8, 2019: "In the midst of processing deep hurt, I have learned to turn to truths that anchor me to the reality of who God is. Truths like [she listed more than just this one]: He is the one who can use my tears to water the soil of my heart so that it can one day be a harvest of joy: 'Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.' Psalm 126:5."

The date is significant. As far as I can remember, July 8th was the day we drove from my parent's home in Wisconsin where we had Oliver's funeral to Kentucky where we would have to begin restarting our lives minus Oliver. I don't remember much about that day, but it seems likely I read that post and made note of the verse. It makes me smile to think how much God loves us. That He would orchestrate the universe to give me those verses to claim as my own, right when I needed them the most.

Here are a few shots of sowing seeds in my everyday life in July 2019. They are wet with tears.

A watery walk with a neighbor.

We planted vincas a few days after we
arrived back home. The seeds from the 
spent blossoms starting sprouting in the
soil as the plant continued to flower.

We had a memorial with our local friends after 
our return to Kentucky. We blew bubbles to heaven
as a way to remember and say good-bye to Oliver.

Some friends sent a care package with journals.
My daughter and I kept thankful journals with 
them for a season. The bottom right drawing is a 
blueberry plant. Two friends took my daughter
and me blueberry picking the first day my husband
went back to work.

Less than a year later, Tim Keller and Gospel in Life did a series on youtube called "Trusting God in Difficult Times". One of the mediations included in the series is based on Psalm 126 and  titled "Don't Waste Your Sorrows" (you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeqwyqmIeyQ&list=PLqdAeLCMehGFJ0Q-8Ll1y0t5ml6qWYHiz&index=10). In the video, Tim Keller discussed how sowing seed during our times of sorrow produces joy, enables us to sorrow in patience without guilt, self-pity, or anger, and creates Christ-likeness as we follow His example. He encouraged believers facing a time of sorrow to take the ordinary grace that God offers all people as a way to sow seeds. He lists Bible reading, prayer, serving, kindness, sacrament, and obedience as examples.

Sowing with tears and reaping with joy is not easy. There are still tears! The complete fulfillment of the verses is only found in Jesus and eternity. The living out of these verses is only possible by the strength and grace of God. The promise that we will gather sheaves with joy doesn't answer the question of why Oliver had to die so young. It doesn't mean I don't miss him every day or that I don't long for the way things used to be. But the concept of sowing with tears has given me a promise to cling to and a way forward.

(I tried to write the final paragraph of this post with an "I" instead of a "we", but it just didn't work. While I am trying to be mindful of sharing my story and not my husband's or my daughter's, I also can't truthfully claim to have walked any step of this road without them.)

And so we press on, thankful for what was and for what is. We live in this day, the only one we are promised. We do for others what we wish we could do for Oliver. We follow our daughter whose childlike faith and resilience, as well as relentless growth in response to time, has shown us the way to acceptance and healing. We thank God for family and friends not afraid to be with us in our struggles, not afraid to ask the hard questions as we grieve. We cling to Jesus, the only anchor in the storm. We look toward heaven and the redemption that is coming. We try to live with joy and sorrow together, hoping the resulting tension makes a sweet harmony and brings sheaves to God's glory.