Maple Syrup Making and Reflections on Family

I love going home to see my family: my parents in Wisconsin, my in-laws in Michigan, and all of our siblings and their spouses and kids, along with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins when we are able. Video calls, phone calls, emails, and texts help us stay in touch while we are apart, but there is nothing like hanging out in person for a while. We feel loved, supported, and accepted. Both of our parents have large properties with gardens, fields, and woods. My parents also have cows, pigs, chickens, and sheep along with dogs and a cat. It is beautiful, familiar, secure, and most of all HOME, a true lighthouse to guide us in all of our moving. We know that not everyone has a family like ours, and we try to respond with gratitude for what we have been given. And yet since Oliver died, going home to see family is also challenging and something I am tempted to avoid. I want to share today a few reasons for this, in hopes of bringing clarity to my own mind and maybe help others not feel so alone in their feelings.

My most recent trip to Wisconsin included cooking 
down sap into maple syrup!

The first reason has to do with the fact that we were visiting family when Oliver died suddenly and unexpectedly. Every trip we have taken since is now associated in my body with "something really bad could happen". I don't often consciously have that thought. Instead I feel anxious and irritable, and I seek ways to avoid the trip. I procrastinate planning and packing. I fill the days before we leave with activity to distract myself. I hate that I feel this way.

The second challenge I face is the fact that in our everyday life our family of three feels normal and right, but when we go back to our extended family it feels like Oliver should be there. I set the table for too many people. I actually look for him even though I know he isn't there. I have changed in ways that maybe aren't obvious on a video chat, but are apparent in person. The ways I have changed also become more obvious to me when I am around my family, and I don't always like what I notice. The tension of everyone grieving differently is there, and I don't want it to be.

And finally when we go home, we face a different set of memories, a set that we haven't become accustomed to like we have the memories in our own house: the pictures of Oliver on our parents' refrigerators, the bed we cried in all night that first night, the hospital where Oliver died, the church where we had the funeral. These things and others all have to be faced a hundred times or more before their sting and breath-stealing power diminish. Because we only experience them when we visit, we haven't gotten to that number yet.

We finished the last bit of cooking in the house.

So good!

The question becomes what to do. I try not to let my feelings stop me from visiting! As you can see from the pictures of our most recent visit to Wisconsin, so much joy, fun, and support is found in spending time with our family. I don't want to let my feelings and challenges stop me from planning and enjoying a visit. Besides, putting off the visit doesn't make it easier, but instead lets these feelings build up and grow bigger than they need to be. Naming the feelings helps as does remembering what I learned from Lysa Teurkurt in her book Unglued: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around." I try to face the situation head on but with patience for myself. I try to remember that somehow Christ's "power is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor 12:9). I lean on my daughter and husband to provide some of the enthusiasm I lack. I embrace how my lack of planning and procrastination has led to better trips anyway as we enjoy some spontaneity and take things as they come. And it remains something that I struggle with, fail at, and need to accept.

For those wondering how things
went with my food and clothes during the 
trip, I was mostly dressed appropriately
and found delicious GF foods to eat!

Ultimately the result of each trip is I have a great time and I return with my grief feelings all stirred up again. And that is good. My prayer is for the stirring to be productive, for things to settle in a gentler, more truthful, less sharp way.

Nothing like coming home to a happy dog
and spring sunshine!