Fear After Child Loss

My last couple of posts have involved lists, which has sped up my writing process a bit and given me some time to write a few posts I have been procrastinating because I knew they would be challenging and slow to write. Here is the first one, a post about the fear I have felt since the loss of Oliver. Like all my posts, I pray my sharing brings healing to me, encouragement and a since of not being the only one to others, and glory to God for all He has done. 

I have not read the book, "A Grief Observed", by CS Lewis, but I know it contains a commonly shared quote of his: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." I have struggled with fear/anxiety/worries on and off throughout my life, especially after the births of both of my children. Fear has been a present and sometimes overwhelming force in my grief journey as well.

When Oliver passed away, I lost the ability to comfort myself in my fear with the thought "but that's the worst thing that could happen and it's highly unlikely". The seemingly impossible had happened, and it could again. I lived in fear of the next bad thing happening. It felt right around the corner all the time.

With time the fear of the next terrible thing happening has been pushed back some, but I continue to live with the reality and even expectation that bad things really do happen and will happen. This fear (or is it just knowledge?) shows itself in startling almost funny ways almost five years later. For example, my Bible study group was recently praying for someone's mom who had been in a car accident. An hour or two after I read initial prayer request, the person shared an update via text, which showed up in the preview on my phone as "Mom went home..." My mind immediately thought "Mom went home to be with Jesus", but what actually happened was "Mom went home around 11. She is fine besides being a little sore. Thanks for praying". Once my heart stopped racing, I was able to laugh and roll my eyes at myself and my automatic response. I used to think of myself as an optimist! Now the worst case scenarios just seem so likely.

Not only do they seem likely, I also have a remembered feeling in my body of how terrible it feels to have someone you love ripped from your life. When I hear of someone's passing, I no longer think, "how sad, I couldn't imagine" because I can to some extent not just imagine but also know and remember the horror of it all. Although I testify throughout my blog about how God was with me and my family in all of that, it doesn't mean that it wasn't traumatic and impossibly painful.

Those remembered feelings are triggered by all kinds of things. Some of my triggers are unexpected, others are predictable. They all feel like fear. For example, I have a moment of panic each time I walk past the boys clothing aisle at Wal-mart, remembering how while on vacation, my husband, daughter, and I went to Wal-mart and picked out a new pair of jeans and a button down shirt to bury my son in. 

We started a recent dog walk in an old parking lot, which was
covered with these flowers.

The worst of my struggle with fear and anxiety after Oliver's death started almost a year after Oliver died. Before then I struggled some, but my anxiousness was always tempered by fog and numbness. Once that started wearing off, the fear made itself more known. I see God's providence in this timing. My daughter started doing a lot better with her own grief around this same time, which gave me more emotional energy to spend on myself and hopefully kept me from passing along some of my fears and fear responses to my daughter.

My fear showed itself in the normal ways: anxious feelings and thoughts, full-on heart-racing body-trembling panic, brooding circles around a problem and being unable to make a decision, a constant feeling of unease, and frequently asking my husband and daughter if they were OK. My fear also showed up in new or unexpected ways: irritability around changes of plans or things not going as I expected, concerns about traveling or making plans, a desire to stay at home, and an equal desire to never be at home.

I haven't handled my fears as well as I would have liked. When I am feeling anxious, it is easy for me to get sucked in by my phone, endlessly scrolling rather than facing and feeling reality. I have tried and failed to find the right balance between forcing myself to do things even when I am scared and giving myself grace and space for how I am feeling. I have relied on others for things I should have handled, and I have stuffed feelings down rather than ask for the help I need. And yet, by the grace of God, I am in a much better place with my anxieties than I have been in a long time. And certainly I am in a better place than I would have thought possible when I was in the midst of the worst of it.  Next week I plan to share some of the ways that God has helped me deal with my fears and find a little peace and acceptance.

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.