More Thoughts on Fear: habits, grace, afraid of being afraid

Even as I learned to accept the fear I was feeling and to be grateful for the gift of our dog, a safe place to direct my fear, I did strive to overcome my feelings of fear and anxiety. Time and God's grace have been a big part of that. I haven't found a magic bullet that grants me peace and trust rather than fear. Instead I have found that habits practiced again and again, imperfectly and inconsistently, eventually make an impact.

For me, the most important habits are intentionally expressing gratitude, reading and memorizing Scripture, studying Scripture with others, prayer, listening to songs full of spiritual truth, getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating calorie-rich and nutrient-dense foods. It is also important for me to name what I am feeling and why. For example, to say to myself: I am feeling anxious about this upcoming trip because Oliver died on a similar trip. Once I give voice to that, it becomes easier to say: but I still want to go on the trip. I also ask others to provide a non-anxious perspective on situations and decisions I am facing. I also found having a creative outlet helped with my fear. When my mind is focused on sewing and craft projects, party planning, or blog post writing, I am less likely to let my fear spiral out of control.

We recently met up with friends at a historic site
in Indiana.

How I think about and treat myself is also important. When I keep my anxiety to myself, it has a tendency to grow into shame and more anxiety. When I share how I am feeling with a safe person, my anxiety shrinks as I feel encouraged and heard. My anxiety also grows when I beat myself up about it. But it shrinks when I extend grace to myself. The most repeated command in the Bible is "do not be afraid". God knows we are going to be afraid and wants us to look to Him, not try to fix it ourselves. In fact, Paul reminds us that God's grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9). If God extends grace to me and wants to use my weaknesses for His Glory, why would I condemn myself for those same weaknesses?

It has been challenging to strike the right balance. I want to give grace to myself, but I don't want to let fear stop me from doing things. I want to conquer my fears and trust the Lord, but I know that I can't do it on my own. I pray for this temptation to fear to go away, and yet God seems to want to walk with me through it instead of removing it.

One of the most ridiculous parts of the whole thing is half the battle for me is learning not to be afraid of being afraid. So often I feel guilt and shame when I feel afraid. I strive so hard to make it go away that I end up putting more emphasis on it and helping it grow. In her book "Unglued" Lysa Terkeurst writes: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around." When I feel afraid, I can remind myself this is a feeling, it's OK to have a feeling. I can remember that God is with me in this moment. I can talk to God and others about my feelings. I can decide if that feeling indicates I should change course, ask for help, or continue onward despite feeling afraid.

We also recently met up with some other friends along the
Green River in Kentucky. 

It has been helpful for me to express some of this, especially as some uncertainty surrounding our upcoming move stirs up anxious thoughts in me. It was a challenge to write at times. This post especially I couldn't decide whether to write in past or present tense. I continue to find more peace day by day, and yet I don't feel like I have arrived by any means! I continue to wrestle with what parts of my fear are sinful, the result of unbelief, and what parts are weakness, a place for God to show Himself strong. Is there a difference? Regardless I keep my eyes on Jesus and press on. Thanks for reading these jumbled up thoughts the last couple of weeks!