Counting My Blessings

I want to keep my streak of posting every week going even though some of the longer posts I have been working on aren't done yet. I decided, instead of a more typical post, to take pictures of my everyday life and share some of my blessings from the week. Counting my blessings points me to God and His faithfulness to me and helps ground me when I am overwhelmed, afraid, sad, or frustrated. How have you seen God in big and small ways this week?

God, I'm still counting my blessings

For all that You've done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of heaven
I know that I'll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can't count that high

- Chorus, Counting My Blessings, Seph Schlueter

• Zoo trip with some cousins!

• A tiny harvest after the deer ate all of the tops last week, not too bad considering we planted in early July! I am always amazed when seeds put into the ground become plants and eventually fruit.

• Still flowering and making fruit even though it is fall!

• Our pool was closed last weekend and covered with a tarp. It's not nearly as aesthetically pleasing as a blue pool sparkling in the sunshine, but the reflection after a recent rain was lovely. 

• My daughter and I am made chocolate caramels. So delicious and fun!

• Cannot express how thankful I am for my daughter's positive homeschool volleyball experience this fall. 

• A preview of one of the blog posts I have been working on.

• I love listening to podcasts while I am doing chores or exercising. I never know how to best keep notes of the things I want to remember or think more about. My current plan has me scribbling on our dry erase board and hoping I eventually put the notes somewhere permanent. It is a good strategy for seeing the notes and reflecting throughout the day.

• Speaking of exercise, I am struggling to get into a good routine, but I am thankful for the times I do sneak it in. Anyone else spend the day in workout clothes and a cardigan, hoping to eventually use the workout clothes for working out?

• Sunlight, plants that are flourishing after almost dying during our move, and rainbows on the carpet.

• Fall leaf collected by while walking the dog and candy corns.

• One of the best parts of my week is teaching two elementary-aged girls language arts.

• As a recovering perfectionist, I try to make sure I joyfully laugh at myself instead of beat myself up when I do silly things, like try to carry these groceries without a cart. Thankfully I found an abandoned one halfway through the store. 

• My daughter brings so much beauty into my life!

• My wonderful hubby is back from another work trip! 

• I don't say he is the best dog ever like my daughter does, but I am thankful for this cutie all the time. 

Why Are You Afraid?

Many years ago, after my babies were born but before the deaths of my sister, MaryJo, and my son, Oliver, I completed the Bible Study “The Quest” by Beth Moore with a group of fellow military spouses. Unlike the majority of Beth Moore’s studies, “The Quest” is topical. It is designed to build intimacy with God through an exploration of questions found throughout the Bible. There are five main questions that kick off the study and continue to be a driving force throughout it:

1. Where are you? (God to Adam and Eve in the garden after they ate the fruit, Genesis 3:9)
2. Who told you that? (Genesis 3:11)
3. What are you seeking? (Jesus to two of John the Baptist’s disciples when they started following Him, John 1:38)
4. Why are you afraid? (Jesus to the disciples when they woke Him because they were terrified of a storm, Matthew 8:26)
5. How much more? (Jesus teaching His disciples and followers about the extent of God the Father's love and care for His children, Luke 11:13)

It was a unique study with a great group of ladies. Looking back, I can see it was a time of healing and preparation for me. One of the questions really transformed my thinking back then and stuck with me ever since. Why are you afraid? In fact, at the top of the page where this question was first introduced in the study, I wrote: “This question is powerful to me. The why has gotten me to God’s promises faster than what ever could.” Throughout the study, I kept mistakenly thinking the question was “What are you afraid of?”. It can be so easy to sit down and list all of the things we are afraid of. Often the list could go on forever as one fear leads to another and another and another. But God was using the study to gently challenge me not to focus on everything I was afraid of, but rather to think about why I was afraid and all the reasons I don't have to be afraid.

Asking why doesn’t result in a list of fears, but it does give space to look behind the fears and share with God all you are feeling and experiencing. To say, I am afraid because I love these kids so much, and I don’t want to mess them up. I am afraid because a terrible thing happened in my life, and it feels like the next terrible thing is right around the corner. Naming these whys is way more powerful and healing than endlessly listing fears.

Asking why quickly reminds us of all the reasons we don’t have to be afraid. For example, when I say I am afraid of messing up my kids, I can remember God loves them more than I do and has a plan and a purpose for them that I cannot thwart. We don't have to be afraid because God is powerful, in control, and keeps his promises.

I wanted to include a picture of the mums I bought at Aldi's.
Unfortunately some deer came up to our porch ate all the
open flowers! I found this one on the ground.

Songs, time in nature, and Bible verses all remind me I don't have to be afraid because even the winds and waves obey God. Here are some of the Bible verses I come back to again and again as I practice asking "Why are you afraid?":

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. Psalm 3:4

From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people. Psalm 3:8

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31-32

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

I often find myself feeling afraid. Sometimes I know exactly what I am afraid of, and other times it is just a feeling of unease within me. As I find myself going through a growing list of all the things I am afraid of or might be worried about, I try to stop and remind myself to try asking why instead of what. As I start telling God why I am afraid, I find room to process my feelings and also for my fear to be transformed by faith. Faith in Jesus, faith in His promises in the present, and faith in His promises yet to come.

Milestones

There’s another reason I don’t want summer to end. This one would affect me even when living in eastern Washington, when the summers were hot and dry and often smoky, or in northern Kentucky, where the summers were hot and humid and seemingly endless. Oliver was born in October. I dread the milestone of his birthday each year.

In general each year gets a little easier, but some milestones stick out a little more than others. His birthday has always been one of the hardest milestones for me, and this one seems especially challenging. He would be turning 16 this October and that seems unthinkable. Somehow the little boy of 10, just starting to develop signs of turning into a man, would be well on his way now, with facial hair, a deep voice, and a driver’s license. I was reading for fun the other day (well, every day), and the author described one of the adult male characters greeting his mom with a hug and a kiss to the top of her head. It made me wonder how tall Oliver would be and how he would greet me after he came home from driving alone for the first time. His birthday always brings such thoughts to the forefront.

Eating a piece of cake on his first birthday!

When Oliver first passed away, each day felt like a milestone. The first day without him, the second day without him, the day of his funeral, the day after his funeral, our first time in our house without him, the first trip to the grocery store without him, the first time back to our church without him, the first time walking down the children’s Sunday School hallway to drop off our daughter but not him. Each moment was excruciating, and it brings tears to my eyes now just remembering how painful each moment was. 

Slowly the firsts become further apart: the first week without him, the first month, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first six months. Each one was hard for its own reasons, but mostly just because we missed him, because it wasn’t the same without him, because it felt like nothing could ever be good again, because the emotions were so powerful and out of control. There was no taming or understanding the feelings, only walking through them. The dread leading up to the milestones was intense and so was the numbness after the milestones passed.

Some milestones come at me unaware. For example, the first April after he died, I was going for a walk and found myself with tears streaming down my face. What was wrong, I wondered? Tears were not unusual nine months after Oliver died, but I was surprised that day by their strength and the feeling of defeat and hopelessness I felt. And then it clicked for me. It was April 16th, Oliver’s half birthday. We didn’t celebrate or mark half birthdays in any way besides just mentioning them whenever we happened to remember. But that day, even though at first I didn’t consciously remember, some part of me knew and was very sad.

Celebrating an 8th and 10th birthday while living in Tennessee

One thing that makes Oliver’s birthday particularly hard is our daughter’s birthday is three days later. Oliver was born in the middle of October in Alaska. There was two feet of snow on the ground already, and it didn’t melt until the following April. Our daughter was born two years and three days later in Missouri. It was still hot enough to wear shorts! I had been on bed rest for quite some time, and the doctors were talking about inducing me now that I had reached full term. I stated a preference not to be induced on Oliver's birthday. Instead the doctor scheduled the induction more than a week after his birthday, and she came on her own time, three days after we celebrated Oliver’s second birthday. With two kids with birthdays three days apart, we typically celebrated a party or special event together on one of the days in between, but made sure to set aside their actual birthday to celebrate just them with a meal and dessert of choice and a present. Now each year my husband and I get whiplash, mourning the milestone of a lost year of Oliver’s life and then turning right around and celebrating the continued growth of our little girl, who even though she is our second born, eventually became as old as he ever was on earth and much older than that now.

Oliver received a turtle sandbox for his 2nd birthday!

Oliver gave his sister a teddy bear, a balloon, and some cake

These milestones have gotten easier with time. The dread that used to last for months and feel so heavy is now just a nagging sadness. The numbness afterwards is still present but is quickly overcome by the busyness of a very good life. The pain of the actual milestone day is not as intense, and contains its own joy as well as we take time to stop and remember all that he meant to us and all the reasons we love him still. Many times the dread leading up to the day is now worse than the pain of the actual day. 

I share this for my own benefit. It feels like a release each time I write and publish about my experience with grief. I also share for those going through something similar. May you know that it does get lighter with time, you will always remember, emotions come and go, and feelings are not meant to be controlled but accepted and experienced and processed as part of the healing journey. Mostly may you sense the presence of the Heavenly Father as He walks with you every step of the way.

Remembering Oliver on the day of his birth in 2021.

Celebrating our daughter's 10th birthday a few days later with her
favorite dessert.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Fruitful

My mom's word of zugunruhe (a restless surge to migrate) had me looking for other words and sayings about the end of the summer. I never did find a word that means ‘not ready for summer to end’ or ‘clinging desperately to the last days of summer’, but I did run across a line by author Evelyn Waugh, which described summer as "the fruit always ripe". This thought stopped me in my tracks and has had me thinking all week.

It is true in a literal sense, for anyone who has ever owned a zucchini plant at least. We didn’t plant many vegetables this year with our move, but my cousin did give me two cherry tomato plants, and we can go outside each day and pick one or two ripe ones. Summer is full of bounty.

I think so often we long for only ripe fruit in our spiritual lives, progress rapidly developing into perfection or completeness. To know our teenagers are going to be OK because we see ripe fruit in their lives rather than immaturity and hints of development. To know we picked the right house to buy because we see everything as it "should" be, rather than projects and surprises. To feel connected with God, to see dreams coming true, to watch ourselves respond to all situations with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. To not have to confess sins or deal with the consequences of the same sin appearing in our life again and again. To be able to see and label the good that has come from the valleys of our life.

Instead we are called to keep leaning on God, embracing the ever changing seasons of our personal lives and seeking a homeland. In Hebrews 11, Paul details the faith of Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Sarah. Then he reminds us:

All of these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on the earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. Hebrews 11:13-14.

That sounds a lot more like a restless urge to migrate than an attempt to make summer and its fruitfulness last forever!

Our dog has a new, restless urge to chase all the 
restless squirrels hurrying to gather nuts for
winter.

The title of this blog, Carrying Sheaves, comes from Psalm 126. In this psalm, the people are joyful because of what God has done, is doing, and will do. They cry, weep, laugh, sing, rejoice, sow, and reep in response to exile, return, and restoration. It reads like sorrow turns to joy and only joy remains. But here in this life, before the complete restoration of Heaven and Jesus' second coming, we experience joy and sorrow together: the bounty with the weeds, the ripe fruit mixed with overripe and unripe, always planting and sowing with tears and laughter, trusting God with the final restoration.