Perfection

I sometimes introduce myself as a recovering perfectionist. People laugh when I say this, but it is true. I want to do everything just right, follow all the rules, and even uglier, be the best at everything. I am working on it. I know that Christ is the only perfect one. I know that it is only my pride that makes perfectionism even seem possible. I know that my perfectionism induces my anxiety, makes me ruminate on little mistakes and misunderstandings, keeps me from trying new things, and causes me to procrastinate things I love to do or are important to me. Despite knowing all of this, I still constantly find myself striving for perfection. Sometimes I think I have a better handle on my perfectionism, but then we will move or my life will change in some other way, and I am back to finding safety and security in doing everything just right again.

God has used many things in my life to help me cling to Him for safety and security rather than seek it out myself through perfectionism. For some reason I have never been a perfectionist about sewing and crafting things. I can feel the freedom in that and try to apply it to other parts of my life, like this blog. I want each sentence and paragraph to be perfectly clear and free of typos and other errors. I want to have all the time in the world to learn more about writing, blogging, websites, and publishing on the internet. But that isn’t possible, and it is also not what God is calling me to do. Instead I work with the time I have been given, pray for God to work through my efforts, and hit publish. God has also challenged me to admit to other people when I mess up so we can laugh about it. How freeing! I’ll try it out again right now: the other day I reached in my purse for my wallet at the self-checkout line of the grocery store, and it wasn’t there. I drove home and reached into a bag I took to a homeschool class, but it wasn’t there either. As soon as I didn’t feel it in my homeschool bag, I remembered where it was - in my car! -the one I just drove to the grocery store and back. Nothing to do but laugh and drive to the store again for my groceries. Even as I type this I can feel myself start to want to ruminate on this instead of laugh. But I can choose to laugh instead, so I do. The Lord works on our hearts in slow and mysterious ways.

First snowfall of the year!

In some ways Oliver’s death has magnified my perfectionistic tendencies. I really struggle with changing plans, even when I can see how the change is good. I dig my heels in and try to keep everything just as I had it planned out in my head. I also want everyone around me to be happy or even just OK. I want everything to go just right for my daughter in school, sports, and friendships, even though I know that we learn from our struggles as much as, if not more than, from our successes. Typing this out I can trace more clearly than I have before how the unexpected and completely devastating loss of a child would have led directly to these feelings and coping mechanisms. 

In other ways Oliver’s death has helped me let go of perfectionism. Nothing is ever close to perfect without him here, and I have no idea what to do about it. I can’t fix this; I can’t even imagine trying. And so, finally, I don’t. I have no choice but to accept that my life is imperfect, and I am imperfect. Likewise, if heaven is as amazing and as real as I have learned through Oliver's death that it must be, why would I expect things on earth to be perfect? I also have to admit to myself that I have not taken a single step of this grief journey on my own. I have relied on family and friends for help, strength, wisdom, and encouragement. God has been with me through it all. Without Him and the hope and grace He gives, I would have fallen into despair and never returned. I can finally see that I don’t do anything on my own. It is always Christ who does the work. It was never about us and our abilities and efforts. Walking through grief with Jesus has taught me to see God and His work everywhere, and it is in this knowledge that I finally see some success in letting go of perfection. 

Broke out my new winter coat for the first time!

Not me trying to get a "perfect" picture of the snowflakes
accumulating on Ash's fur for a blog post about perfection. 

Home again!

Not surprisingly, my journey through perfectionism has found me having to acknowledge that it was not me who fixes my perfectionism, but God who has slowly been working in my heart. I still have a long way to go, but when I fix my eyes on Jesus and on what He has done, when I believe He is in charge of processes and outcomes, I learn to trust more and strive less. Praise be to God who does not abandon us in our weaknesses but uses them to gently call us to Him.