A Wedding Anniversary

This month my husband and I will celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. Well, I am not sure exactly how we will be celebrating yet. On the day of our anniversary I plan to be watching our daughter play softball with my in-laws while my husband travels for work. We'll do our best to carve out a bit of time to ourselves at some point to reflect and have fun.

Twenty years seems like a big milestone, until I meet someone at church who is having to say good-bye to her husband of sixty years or think of my own grandparents who were both married around sixty years as well. Maybe my husband and I are only one-third of the way along this road of marriage! Maybe we have lots of memories left to make, more opportunities for growth and change, plenty of dreams that could still come true, battles still to fight, and time to get it right.

For our ten year anniversary my husband was deployed. I made him a little photo book with one picture of us together from each year of our marriage. I won't be making another one with pictures from our last ten years of marriage. We live with the pain of losing our son Oliver every day. We don't need to see it printed out on paper, the year our son died and left a gaping hole in everything that came and comes after.

I have heard the stat about the high rate of divorce after the loss of a child. I have also heard that the stat is incorrect, and a joint suffering like child loss is correlated to a reduction in divorce rates. My mom says trauma just magnifies everything that was already present in a marriage, for better and for worse. This seems true. Mostly I just know that sometimes marriage is hard.

My husband and I experienced greater intimacy as we grieved together and continue to cling to one another for strength. We found confidence as we realized that we must have built our house on a rock because somehow we are still standing. We are so proud of our daughter and the person she is becoming despite of, or probably because of, the tragedy that she has weathered and in many ways helped guide us through.

We have also felt great tension, as grief is ultimately an individual journey. Often the thing that comforts one of us brings extra pain to the other. We have both changed because of our grief journeys, stronger in some ways and weaker in others. We are always learning how to fit these changing pieces together again. We have dealt with anxiety and depression and a host of other feelings, sometimes well and sometimes not. We had to learn to dream all over again. We also deal with everyday life that all couples face. These days, almost six years after Oliver died, we deal with plenty of issues that may or may not have anything to do with the trauma in our lives. They are just part of being imperfect people this side of heaven.

After twenty years, I am so thankful for the smiles, laughs, and memories. I am thankful that by God's grace we are still a team going through life together and cheering each other on. I am thankful for forgiveness, always learning new things about each other, and new mercies each morning. I am excited to cheer our daughter on together as she enters high school. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us next as he leads us faithfully on. Maybe I will print those pictures, if not this year some day.