A Thanksgiving List

I can't believe it is already the end of November. As I stop and think over the last year, there are so many blog related things to give thanks for. Today I am thankful for:

1. My Readers

Most of you I know personally. I am thankful for the memories we have shared together, the difference you have made in my life, the way you have grieved Oliver with me, and the invitation to share in the griefs, trials, and joys of your life. I am also thankful for the encouraging notes you have sent regarding my blog and the attempts you have made to post comments even though I haven't been able to figure out how to make the comments work consistently on the blog. Thanks for reading!

2. Healing

I started in January with hopes that writing things out here and hitting publish would be healing for me. It has been, beyond what I could have imagined. Healing can be painful and takes a winding path, but each post was also a sweet release and a safe and unique environment for sharing and healing. God works in mysterious ways, and I am thankful he called me on this path of healing.

We're ready to give celebrate!

3. Each Lesson Learned and Documented

The theme of my blog has always been that there are lessons or "sheaves" that can be harvested with joy from tearful plantings. When I started out, I didn't really know what those sheaves would all be. This week I took some time to look back at much of what I have written. As I skimmed post after post and made note of the nuggets of truth God had given me to share, I was shocked by how much I found. My notes filled two pages! God is always at work in our lives using Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, books, personal experience, and friends to lead, guide, and teach us. Here is just a small sampling of truths I have been able to share here:

• We do nothing good on our own. It is God who does the work in and through us.
• We are called both to remember and to press on. 
• God's way is so much better than our way.
• Feelings are meant to be accepted, experienced, and processed.
• Sorrow mixes well with laughter.
• The only day we get is today.
• Dreams don't have to come all the way to fulfillment to bear fruit.
• God longs to bless us not only in heaven but also in the here and now.
• Creativity is important in our healing.
• The goal of grieving isn't to arrive at a place where we no longer feel grief or sadness, but to carry the grief well and faithfully and to live in joyful contentment in the present moment.
• Sharing with others helps us not feel so alone.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Perfection

I sometimes introduce myself as a recovering perfectionist. People laugh when I say this, but it is true. I want to do everything just right, follow all the rules, and even uglier, be the best at everything. I am working on it. I know that Christ is the only perfect one. I know that it is only my pride that makes perfectionism even seem possible. I know that my perfectionism induces my anxiety, makes me ruminate on little mistakes and misunderstandings, keeps me from trying new things, and causes me to procrastinate things I love to do or are important to me. Despite knowing all of this, I still constantly find myself striving for perfection. Sometimes I think I have a better handle on my perfectionism, but then we will move or my life will change in some other way, and I am back to finding safety and security in doing everything just right again.

God has used many things in my life to help me cling to Him for safety and security rather than seek it out myself through perfectionism. For some reason I have never been a perfectionist about sewing and crafting things. I can feel the freedom in that and try to apply it to other parts of my life, like this blog. I want each sentence and paragraph to be perfectly clear and free of typos and other errors. I want to have all the time in the world to learn more about writing, blogging, websites, and publishing on the internet. But that isn’t possible, and it is also not what God is calling me to do. Instead I work with the time I have been given, pray for God to work through my efforts, and hit publish. God has also challenged me to admit to other people when I mess up so we can laugh about it. How freeing! I’ll try it out again right now: the other day I reached in my purse for my wallet at the self-checkout line of the grocery store, and it wasn’t there. I drove home and reached into a bag I took to a homeschool class, but it wasn’t there either. As soon as I didn’t feel it in my homeschool bag, I remembered where it was - in my car! -the one I just drove to the grocery store and back. Nothing to do but laugh and drive to the store again for my groceries. Even as I type this I can feel myself start to want to ruminate on this instead of laugh. But I can choose to laugh instead, so I do. The Lord works on our hearts in slow and mysterious ways.

First snowfall of the year!

In some ways Oliver’s death has magnified my perfectionistic tendencies. I really struggle with changing plans, even when I can see how the change is good. I dig my heels in and try to keep everything just as I had it planned out in my head. I also want everyone around me to be happy or even just OK. I want everything to go just right for my daughter in school, sports, and friendships, even though I know that we learn from our struggles as much as, if not more than, from our successes. Typing this out I can trace more clearly than I have before how the unexpected and completely devastating loss of a child would have led directly to these feelings and coping mechanisms. 

In other ways Oliver’s death has helped me let go of perfectionism. Nothing is ever close to perfect without him here, and I have no idea what to do about it. I can’t fix this; I can’t even imagine trying. And so, finally, I don’t. I have no choice but to accept that my life is imperfect, and I am imperfect. Likewise, if heaven is as amazing and as real as I have learned through Oliver's death that it must be, why would I expect things on earth to be perfect? I also have to admit to myself that I have not taken a single step of this grief journey on my own. I have relied on family and friends for help, strength, wisdom, and encouragement. God has been with me through it all. Without Him and the hope and grace He gives, I would have fallen into despair and never returned. I can finally see that I don’t do anything on my own. It is always Christ who does the work. It was never about us and our abilities and efforts. Walking through grief with Jesus has taught me to see God and His work everywhere, and it is in this knowledge that I finally see some success in letting go of perfection. 

Broke out my new winter coat for the first time!

Not me trying to get a "perfect" picture of the snowflakes
accumulating on Ash's fur for a blog post about perfection. 

Home again!

Not surprisingly, my journey through perfectionism has found me having to acknowledge that it was not me who fixes my perfectionism, but God who has slowly been working in my heart. I still have a long way to go, but when I fix my eyes on Jesus and on what He has done, when I believe He is in charge of processes and outcomes, I learn to trust more and strive less. Praise be to God who does not abandon us in our weaknesses but uses them to gently call us to Him.

Rend Collective: Reap that Joy

As soon as I saw the title of Rend Collective's latest song, "Reap that Joy", I knew it was going to be based on Psalm 126, the same as this blog:

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them (v 5-6).

You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5VhsF3FGq8. It's a good one!

I've been a fan of Rend Collective for a long time. I played their song, "My Lighthouse", multiple times a day during one of my husband's deployments and in the days of reintegration following his return. "Counting Every Blessing" reminded me of the power of giving thanks to God in all circumstances. "Simplicity", "Boldly I Approach", and "Second Chance" helped change my thinking as God continued (and continues) to move me from a prideful rule-follower to someone walking in freedom in Christ relying on Jesus for my salvation and sanctification. Their song, "Weep with Me", was instrumental in reminding me of what was still true about God in my grief, giving me a vision in my grief of God sharing in my sadness, and helping me see brighter days ahead.

Which artists make you most excited for their new songs?

"Isn't darkness where the garden starts to grow"

To the Victorious

I have been studying Revelation with an on-line Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group this year. I think the book of Revelation has a tendency to make people a little apprehensive. I know it was true for me. I have been pleasantly surprised by all I am learning through the study as we focus on what we can learn about Jesus through the book of Revelation.

We recently finished our study of the seven churches discussed in Revelation chapters 2 and 3. From previous reading and study of Revelation, I remembered some of the strong language of correction, such as fall from your first love, remove your lampstand, and spit out of my mouth. But this time in reading and studying these chapters, I was struck by the beautiful imagery of the rewards Jesus promises to the victorious. Jesus calls the churches to not fear suffering, to remain true to His name, and to hold on to what they have been given. To those who are victorious in these things, Jesus promises untold blessings in the eternal kingdom.

The imagery in these future blessings is an invitation to ponder its meaning. The victorious are told they will eat from the tree of life in the Paradise of God. They will become pillars of the temple bearing the name of God, the name of the City of God, and Christ's new name. They will also be given authority, a victor's crown, hidden manna, a white stone with a name written on it that only they know, clean white clothes, and the morning star. They are promised that Jesus will not blot out their name but will instead acknowledge them, knock on their door, enter their homes and hearts, and eat with them. The victorious will also be invited to sit with Jesus on His throne. What abundance, grace, and unexpected blessing! As if heaven itself would not be enough!

Further reading shows that we will take the victor's crown and lay it at Jesus' feet. Rev 4:10b-11 declares: "They lay their crowns before the throne and say: "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." Oh what a joy that will be! We are victorious because of Christ, we are rewarded because of Christ, and we give Christ our rewards. In fact, some of the rewards seem to point to Christ Himself being the reward. Others are personal, designed to build our relationship with Him and to help build His church and His kingdom.

Sometimes I get so weary of this world of death, sin, and struggle. It was an encouragement to me to read of the seven churches and be challenged to make changes in my own life, but also to be reminded of the rewards that await those who stand firm in Christ's strength and call, by His strength and Spirit within us. This world is not all there is. Better days are coming. Christ sees our struggles and longs to bless us now and in the days to come. "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I [Paul] consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. " (Romans 8:16-18). 

Memories are Funny Things

They remembered that God was their rock, that God Most High was their redeemer. Psalm 78:35

The following paragraphs have been sitting on my computer in draft form since I started blogging in January. They were cut from an early post about why I decided to start writing. I always planned to turn them into their own post, but never did. I think I left them alone because my memories of Oliver are precious to me, which makes it challenging to admit that my memories of Oliver are also fleeting, affected by time, and controlled not by me but rather by what was going on in my emotions and irrational brain at the time of his death. Precious but imperfect. Comforting but painful. Memories are funny things.

Some of my memories from Oliver’s death and the days surrounding it are seared in my brain: rubbing his back two nights before he died when he was having a hard time falling asleep, seeing the nurses kneel on the ER bed to perform CPR, walking around with a fist over my chest for a month because it felt like my heart was going to burst out of my body and drain all of the lifeblood out of me, entering the grocery store without him for the first time after bringing him with me almost everywhere for 10 years and 8 ½ months.

Some of my memories still knock me off my feet at unexpected times and bring me right back to those first moments of pain and loss: driving past the hospital where he died, seeing a child whose mannerisms or looks remind me of him in some way, opening facebook to find a picture of him after losing his first tooth.

Some of my memories are missing, always lost to the fog I walked in those first months.

Some of my memories are slowly being lost to time. As his death moves further into the past I find I can't always remember if something happened before or after Oliver died. Did he read "The Penderwicks" with us? I think so. How about "The Vanderbeekers"? I don't know.

Some of my memories changed as his death gave me a different perspective to everything that happened before. Suddenly it was a privilege to wash sheets every morning, to teach him not to burp at the dinner table, to leap 100 feet in the air because he jumped out when I was coming around the corner. In my memories he is a lot more perfect than he really was. I know this and try to acknowledge it especially when I remember him with my daughter, not wanting her to feel less than, but she remembers him this way too.

Memories are funny things. In the Bible we see both the call to remember and the call to press onward:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I [Paul] press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philipians 3:13b-14

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the thing your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Deuteronomy 4:9

I can see how finding the right balance between memorializing and pressing onward is important. By doing both we honor God and the person we are missing, bring to mind God's faithfulness, and accept the invitation to work today as we long for heaven. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23

We had a couple of warm days here after a few frosts.
Our flowers are striving again!